Kitten Licks...

Losing interest....

2007-02-05T02:59:00.000-08:00

Like lots of things in computer land I lose interest quickly and it seems the blog is the first to go. I am only reading one forum and only catching up on a few blogs a couple of times a week. Hell I haven't been on the computer in 2 whole days and I didn't miss it one bit :-)
So I'm out on the blog thing.....

new car and a midwife!!

2007-01-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

We got out new car today! It's ace and blue and clean and shiny. Yay for new cars!

I found a midwife hurrah!!! She sounded just so lovely on the phone (of course I won't get to meet her in person for a while) and was all the things I want. I want her to be pretty hands off unless asked or I'm clearly struggling and Luke is not dealing well. I don't want someone telling me how many centimetres I am dilated every hour! Out of the 26 homebirths she has been primary mw for only 3 have transferred-2 after the birth of the babe for placenta issues and the other was a VBAC who had been pushing for ages and was asking to go. She sounds both confident and easygoing to my ideas of what I want my homebirth to be like. She only takes 2 births a month and was booked up until July so the timing was ace-I'm her 1st August :-) It is all starting to feel so much more real. OMG I'm having another baby.
I have also decided to have a 12 week scan just to check that all is as it should be but not a screening scan-you know a quick check lol. I have been in 2 minds and really trying hard to find that place of trust but I need that little extra reassurance that seeing a little heart beating away on the screen will bring me. I know that all is well but I can't shake the little niggle in the back of my head that comes with losing babies. So a scan it is.

Have been reading the consumption rebellion blog with much interest (as have many of you I'm sure!!) it just seems like such a fantastic idea that I think we will be putting into place a heap of ideas from it-the title will have to change to comsmption revolution!

stuff and things

2007-01-15T01:14:00.000-08:00

Slack blogger I know.....

10 weeks pregnant on Wed :-) must stop eating hot chips and crying at television.

House photos got done today for net and paper so will prolly have people starting to look thru next week-must keep super clean house super clean.

Get new car this week :-) :-) hurrah!! Must do burnouts in Noble Park haha

My brothers lovely girlfrien has only 3 weeks to go before she is due to have their baby, but prolly won't go that long. Must stop thinking every phone call is from them.

Tannah is talking talking talking-must try to get less annoyed with constant repetition of same word ad nauseum.

must be on computer less-bye!

The bomb has been dropped!

2007-01-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

And the fallout wasn't too bad. FIL was never ever going to take the news of our moving well, so all things considered he reacted as I expected. We are apparently-setting ourselves back financially and we will never be home owners again (oh no *rolls eyes*) he thinks the timing couldn't be worse etc etc. He was suitably sulky and left the room and made busy in the kitchen to pout. MIL had a totally normal reaction "I'm devestated but I understand wanting to be near your Mum" She sounded excited bout the idea of holidays-FIL was all "when do we get time for that pout pout" And Luke was soooo good. I'm so proud of him! When his dad bought up how we are making a financial mistake Luke came back with "Its not all about money Dad" Now to say that to his Dad who believes that all happiness comes from being financially secure was a HUGE thing for him to say. I was punching the air just about. So they know *sigh* thank god.

On the baby front (which frighteningly is appearing in front) I am going to use more trust of my baby and my body. I think that is really the key for me this time. I think if I don't surrender now then I will bail at the first sign of anything not textbook at the birth. That said I have decided not to have another scan until 20 weeks unless there is real trouble (which there won't be) I am going to take better care of us and spend more time meditating etc. I don't care who is impressed or annoyed by any of this, I just really feel this is the path for us. I'm going to see a GP a couple of times before I go and find myself a midwife up in QLD to be there for us after we get up there.

Bye 2006-Hello 2007!

2006-12-31T14:08:00.000-08:00

So it's 2007. Seven is my absolute fave number so in a really daggy way it is exciting that I have a whole year of 7.
We certainly have a massive year about to unfold for us.
Sell our home and move interstate. Back in with my parents for a while, so hoping we can make it work.
Grow and birth the little bean-phew, a tiring exercise in itself! Then adjust to being a Mumma of 2 etc. They sleep through at 6 weeks right? hehe.
I'm hoping that we will still have a relationship with the IL's after bomb is dropped (yeah-and I was the one who piked the other day!) hoping they are more understanding than we give them credit for.
My niece has only got another 5 weeks or so in utero before she comes and joins us earthside. Wishing with all I have that all goes smoothly for them.
Tannah will turn 2 (omg) She will really grow from a toddler to a little kid in the next year. I'm enjoying watching her grow.
Luke will work less hopefully. I really love and like my husband and I miss him! Will be so ace to have hime round more.

So sending much love and peace to all. Hoping that 2007 is a lucky, lovely year for everyone!

uh oh...

2006-12-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

So now I have seen the little bean on a scan, heart pumping away all cosy in there and it all seems so much more real. I am having another baby. Soon I will be a Mumma of TWO (not 3 Kate-they checked hehe) The nausea has stepped up a notch in the last few days as well. This is running pretty much the same as Tannah's pregnancy (I've put on 4 kilos oh dear) and it still "feels" all good.

So I put a new fancy Phil and teds up and down pram on lay-buy......

Ho ho ho and happy birthday

2006-12-23T22:40:00.000-08:00

It is Lukes birthday today. We woke up at 6:30 (well Tannah woke followed by me and we woke him hehe) and Tannah helped Luke unwrap his pressies and gave lots of kisses and was generally being super cute. Then preparation for brunch with the inlaws and his best mate, wife and kids. It must suck having a birthday on xmas eve! I don't think he gets fussed over as much as he deserves as there are the all important xmas day preparations going on as well-not to mention this year me being totally exhausted after "entertaining" lol.
And the big fat man comes tonight :-) Not that I think Tannah has any idea...

Merry christmas everyone-may all your wishes come true.

xmas driving

2006-12-22T01:46:00.000-08:00

My Mum and Dad are on the road to see my Nan-I HATE it when they drive just before xmas. I worry like I'm the parent haha. Safe travels parents-universe you look after them please.

They have a housesitter this time-for the cat and dog of course ;-)

The gag and spit fairy

2006-12-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

This particular fairy is paying me a visit at random times thoughout the day-usually as I'm getting Miss breakfast is a given :-) Her other fairy friend-the constant seasick fairy- seems to have moved in perminantly. Between the two of them eating is becoming somewhat annoying, as most things make me feel ill and I'm yet to find something that "scratches the itch" of what it is that I actually FEEL like. It all tastes pretty crap. Even chocolate, hot chips and maccas hotcakes are all tasting pretty ordinary. The cure is to randomly shove food in-while I'm in the act of eating the fairies go on smoko. So I'm trying to set a new world record for weight gain in pregnancy he he. I will have no choice but to homebirth as I will be too fat to leave the house.

On another note Tannah has dropped back to 2-4 feeds a day of her own accord and I'm a little sad. My nipples are thrilled however. I don't want to say it out loud but I'm not sure if she will hang in there through the pregnancy-and I REALLY want to feed her til shes 2. Now that I have said this she will go back to hassling me half hourly and I'm sure that will bring me no joy either. But the other day she had a sip when she woke up then nothing til bed and I was secretly terrifed that we were winding down. Sigh-no pleasing me is there! Who knew that breastfeeding would be such an emotional journey.

Someone came and looked at the house today oooh! Lukes parents are still none the wiser. Oh dear.

spoiled brat ;-)

2006-12-17T02:10:00.000-08:00

Me! I'm a spoiled brat-Tannah has no hope!

We had xmas at the inlaws today and there was much present giving (more that we need as usual lol) and My nephew (who is only 3 months younger that Tannah) opened a present which was a whole heap of those cool plastic animals you buy from the zoo whos name I cannot spell haha. About $80 bucks worth I reckon! Mostly big ones and quite a few of them.
I try not to start sulking. *internal whine* Tannah would have loved those! They are soooo cool! Why did you buy her something with Barbie on it when all she can think about is The Wiggles? They don't know what she likes. Wah wah wah.
I am trying to be really stoked with what she was opening and I kept thinking about the stupid, much coveted animals, trying not to be upset.
Then MIL gives her her last present.......A whole bunch of super cool plastic anmals!!!!
I quickly cheer up before lying on the ground and having a tantie lol.

Spoiled brat he he.

Captain tired from planet can't be arsed

2006-12-12T14:12:00.000-08:00

*yawn*

Feeding one and growing one at the same time is overrated lol.

I like to go to bed with the house clean, dishes done etc. In fact the house is usually pretty tidy for having a toddler. Not at the moment! I am starting to just sigh and leave it cause I truly can't be arsed. I am having serious trouble staying up past 9pm. I am taking it all as a positive sign that my passenger is sucking the goodness out of me for itself. Which doesn't bother me at all :-)

explodes

2006-12-07T23:49:00.000-08:00

OK- I just can't keep this to myself lol. I'M PREGNANT!!!
Yep the "midwife prophecy" as it will now always be known as has been fulfilled. I'm bout 4 and a half weeks. I tested on Monday and got an unmistakable positive. I did about 5 more tests over the next few days just to make sure lol. I had bloods done Thurs and got them back today and all is looking good.
I feel different too-just so positive and calm about it all. I guess I prolly should be a little concerned but it all just seems ok if that makes sense. I'm pretty damn tired too of course.

The irony of 6 months of trying to get pregnant and then falling in when I'm not sure when I had sex or whether I was ovulating lol. So much for a 3 month wait ;-)

So DECEMBER.. and all the news thus far is ace.

Toot toot chugga etc...

2006-12-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

WOW! What a fun concert! I realised that I truly need to get out more cause I was a little star struck and I was waving to Anthony for ME as well as Tannah LOL. Also knew some of the Wiggly dancers Oh dear. Some TV nazi. They did all the faves and a couple of new ones. They showed Greg's farewell message at the beginning and when Sam came out he got an extra encouraging clap which I thought was nice. The Wiggles and all their buddies were ace.
Tannah on the other hand.....
She had had 20 minutes sleep all day (It was 1pm) so she wanted to feed and writhe around on my lap for the best part. She was truly rapt to see them-kept looking back from the stage to the screen with a look of "is it really them?" She enjoyed herself but didn't want to dance or anything.
Our seats were ace!!! On the side but front row-so as the stage wrapped around and they went to all the parts fo it we had just the most amazing view and Jeff came right over to where we were. Apparently thseats we were in are the left over corporate seats that get sold just before the show if they haven't been used so we lucked out. YAY! The only bad part was a woman with an annoying fishwife voice sitting behind us screeching at her kids pretty much the whole time. "ELLA-wave to dorothy, ELLA do the dance, JEFF JEFF-ELLA theres Jeff. Are we having fun yet lol.

Was an ace day on the whole and will be trying to get tix again next year for sure (hope Tannah is still keen lol)

change of tactics

2006-12-06T01:30:00.000-08:00

I am reading "Kid Co-operation" by Elizabeth Pantley atm-and not a moment too soon lol. I am re evaluating my style of dicipline and parenting cause what I'm doing just ain't workin one bit!!!
Don't get me wrong-I'm not about to put Tannah in a cot and leave her to cry and whack her as a form of punishment! But I think with Miss being as she is I need to be a little firmer and more direct with what is and is not ok. But I don't want to be the fun police either. *sigh* something has to change before I go mental with all the crying.

Off to the Wiggles tomorrow. Am embarrassingly excited lol.

predictions and predicaments

2006-12-02T02:29:00.000-08:00

So its December-oooohhhh. For those that don't know the full story-a quick recap.

When I was pregnant for that awfully short time 6 months ago I interviewed a midwife. She seemed lovely and I wanted to have her on my "team" when things went pear shaped I called her for help and she kinda avoided me for a bit ( I'm sure she had her reasons) I sent her an email to let her know that we had lost our bubba and I'd be in contact when we were pregnant again. Her return email had a sentence in it which blew my mind. " I sensed you wouldn't have a stable pregnancy until December"
December????? WTF??? She SENSED??? I didn't ask for my fucking cards read thanks. I thought that even if it was true it was highly inappropriate to say-I mean it was SIX WHOLE months away and I wanted to be pregnant NOW.
I sent her a polite email letteing her know that we were not gonna work as a team (yes it really was polite) and why.

So now its December and no "stable" pregnancy thus far. I feel strangely confident that if I give it a go this month then it will be our time. Not that I will get pg for sure but if I do then it will all be OK. I feel kinda pressure too. Like I CANNOT under any circumstances NOT try. That I am thumbing my nose at the universe. And if I do is is cause it was always going to be that way? Or cause we have talked and manifested it? In any case its doing my head in. And could I be pregnant now? (so much for 3 months lol) does that mean find out in Dec?? What if what if???

And pregnant people (no offence to any that may be reading ;-) ) the big glowing kind-are they everywhere or am I truly being taken over by the green eyed monster. And it gets me in strange places yk? I was somewhere that a HEAP of preggie bellies were at, I was fine. I was down the street (such a country term lol) with Luke and I just felt like crying. I got in the car and said to Luke " Fuck me!! are there enough pregnant people out today or what? Bitches" And then I felt awful. I know some people who are in fact pregnant, people who I like and some dear people who I love (FFS my brother is expecting his first in Feb for one) and I don't think that way about them (cross my heart I don't) but I sure direct some random aggression at strangers.
And that isn't fair either. I don't know their journey. As I now know getting pregnant and having a baby isn't that easy. It is, in fact, much much harder for some. Some have more bumps in the road than others. But I still have that most desparate of wants to have a belly full of baby. I also wish smoother paths for some and sending love and belly rubs to all who I know who are pregnant, and in a Buddhist fashion, a few to those I don't know.

But it is after all DECEMBER and I am just a teensy bit excited.....

Countdown to moving...

2006-11-22T01:58:00.000-08:00

We're outta here!!!
The Big Move to QLD is on. The end of April is the goal-Luke will have been at his job for 2 years and tannah will get to have her 2nd birthday with her playgroup buddies (that will be tear jerker for me for sure) We are going to sell our house (anyone interested lol) and a heap of suff that we own. We are going to move in with my parents for a couple of years and get *gasp* ahead money wise. I will see my husband more, we will be a family more and I'll have some respite from parenting in the from of my Mum. We are going to get a place with a granny flat or similar so we have our own space-and it won't be forever.
We are really going to downsize-I'm so excited. All the "stuff" I have accumulated to make me happy has just weighed me down.
The hardest part is going to be telling Lukes parents cause they are not going to approve and they are going to give Luke a hard time (nice huh?) to try and make him stay. We are going to do it after xmas-so shhhh ok?
Now all I need is for all my fantastic friends to move up there too-c'mon how bout it?

three months begins

2006-11-17T01:02:00.000-08:00

So no babies for 3 months-that will require patience. Ummm I'm like one of the least patient people on the planet!!! My luffly naturopath and I have had a big talk and tomorrow I start three months of herbal (bleah) concotion and mega healthy eating. I'm also keen to lose 10-15kg. So we can start trying again about valentines day-feel the love.
So I set a start date for tomorrow and I'm putting it here to keep me accountable cause I have false started a couple of times already but TOMORROW. It will be weird to start all over at the same time the last baby I miscarried was due. I will be a glowing picture of correct body weight health :-)
I have had some shitty hormonal stuff happening-like anxiety attacks ffs. And tears of course, but I was actually worried that I was getting depressed or having nervous breakdown. I can't be fucked a lot of the time and all I want to do is sleep in between bursts of crazy cleaning and crying. And every so often not being able to breathe and freaking out about stupid stuff. And then being OK. A lot of life just feels sucky atm. Thank goddess for Luke.
And to ice the cake Tannah is getting 2 eye teeth and is super clingy and will not sleep. I got 3 broken hours last night which ended with T falling asleep onthe boob and me sobbing for ages about yelling at her. I was messy. She deserves a better mother than me. Christ, tears again.

But I will be OK- I always am.

The good news is we are going home-yay!!
In 6 months we will be back to QLD. Will prolly tell inlaws the month before to not get grief lol.

What a depressing sounding post! I took Tannah to the park today and we enjoyed the sunshine. She spots birds ages away and waves at them when they fly away. Aww I love her so much-insomniac and all.

Homesick

2006-11-14T14:26:00.000-08:00

I wanna go home. I wanna move back to QLD. I want my Mum and Dad-who would be helpful with Tannah and in general. I miss the beach and the weather. I want to see my brothers baby grow up.
The only thing keeping me here at present are my amazing friends and the stupid house which I want to sell desperately. I would be happy to go bankrupt just to be free. A morgage is like a dog being tethered for me. I feel suffocated and trapped. That line in the Powderfinger song-
"Caged, so many places you'd prefer to be, but chained , by a picket fence and salary." rings so true.
I love you Melboune guys but I think I need to go home.....

Tattoo

2006-11-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

Trying to raise funds for another tattoo. Might sell some stuff...

Want one with 4 stars. A biggish purple one for Tannah and 3 smaller ones of different colours for the three babies I've lost. Just feel like I want something perminent for them all.
But where to put it....

coping mechanisms

2006-11-09T00:29:00.000-08:00

I was a blubbering mess when I lost my last baby. You know- pj's all day, googling miscarriage and unable to read stories thru tears, made Luke take a day off work so I could lie on the lounge and cry. It sucked. I did the hermit thing for fear of public sobbing.
This time I am going to try a different approach. Don't get me wrong, I'm gutted that my womb is empty again and certain things said or seen have just squeezed at my heart and made that lump at the back of my throat appear. But I am not going to go to that horrible place where you just wallow in your grief. Call it denial or whatever.
Today I went to the market and did the normal Thursday shop with family. Luke and I were talking about things and I cried in the car. I felt that sadness fully and I let it go. I did the healthiest goddamn shop you've ever seen-gotta take care for the next attempt you see. Lovely Leah and Audrey came over and kept Tannah enteretained while I was jabbed with accupuncture needles and then kept me sane all arvo (a blessing-thanks). Tannah is asleep and I"m gonna do the housework (no scrubbing floors tho lol) and then go to bed. I'm sure I'll cry later. I'm gonna feel that awful bit when it comes and try to let it go. Cause I nearly didn't cope last time.
And I have a lot to cope for- I have one beautiful child, one amazing husband and more kids out there for us.

not fair.

2006-11-07T23:52:00.000-08:00

It's not fair that some people have to go through unimaginable loss and heartache. I have been upset for one of my "online buddies" for days now and cried big tears for a family I have never met who had to say goodbye to their sweet baby girl.
It took me back to my best friend who gave birth to her son 2 and a half years ago and due to a fuck up on the hospys behalf he has cerebal palsy and brain damage. They were told he wouldn't live, he nearly didn't. But now he is a happy-if not different to the other kids- little guy. But it hasn't been easy for them. And this news took me back to when he was born and that horrible sense that it would all be so painfully short. They are blessed. He is still around. But she held her son in her arms at one point while he gasped for air and thought that it was the end. I cried last night about that too.
But I just cannot imagine how painful it is to actually do that for the last time. Christ, my heart breaks for them. Hugs.

And today, the thing that I had been worried about happend. I went to the toilet and saw blood. This was gonna be my lovely post about the new baby etc. I was so confident that it surely wouldn't happen twice in a row. And you better believe that I have cried big achey tears over that. Nothing is certain yet but it looks pretty fucking bad-it all feels so surreal cause it's so familiar. And it's NOT FAIR. I wanted this baby. I have tried for this baby. I have dreamed of its birth and even holding it to my breast. But it looks like it is not our time to meet again. Fuck 4 preganacies and only one child. I HATE the look of those odds. So what next time? I will be a paranoid mess no doubt. And all I can think of is all those junkie sluts who carried their babies and then birthed them into a life of neglect and abuse.
But I have held my precious daughter a little closer over the last 24 hours and marvelled in the fact that she is ours and she is here with us. So truly I am blessed.

Pure joy

2006-10-20T03:53:00.000-07:00

Pure joy in the form of Dorothy the Dinosoar!!!! We saw the show at the parents expo thingy at Jeffs shed today and Tannah was beside herself with excitement. She was dancing and going "woooooo" kinda just flittering on the spot cause she didn't know what to do. It was sooooo cute.

I was gonna be a TV nazi. I was going to restrict or ban TV altogether. I tried but it works dammit-TV keeps em entertained! I know its bad for her, I know it's slack parenting but does that big box save my sanity on some days!!! Tannah has 6 DVDs (half of them wiggles) Some TV nazi I am lol. But the look on her face when she saw the dinosoar in all her real life glory...it can't be all bad can it?

About 6 strangers asked me about the lump on her head (altercation with corner of door) after the 4th time I was just so tempted to say "I kicked her with my boots on" lol. And I wanted the toddler formula people to offer Tannah some milk so I could look horrified and say "oh no! she's breastfed" I cruised a few times but they didn't come near me-must look like a boob nutter lol.
Was in a stirring kind of mood..

And Hugs to Leah-hope life without your wisdom teeth is treating you OK ;-)

Musings on making babies...

2006-10-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Remember when sex was fun? When you just had it any old time and any old where (and for a while with any old one;-) )
When you didn't have to jam you finger in your fanny to check your cervix and mucus (how delightful) when you would see your lover and think grrrrr time for some on, instead of thinking about we NEED to have sex today.
I used to be a fan of sex (a big one lol) I've done my share of shagging (good and bad) and ever since I was pregnant with Tannah I could take or leave it to be honest. Trying to concieve MAKES you have sex but kinda sucks the fun out of it.

Guess I should enjoy it while I can cause I'm bound to be pregnant soon (December remember? fark) and then it will probably be off the menu again.

No real point to the story just some musings.

reasons to not get blind drunk

2006-10-15T03:45:00.000-07:00

-hangovers. Keeeerist!!!! They are not vegan friendly (I needed the mcbrekkie, potato cakes and pizza ok-NEEDED)
-I have a child now, remember? She doesn't care how tired/hungry/cranky/seedy you are she needs you RIGHT NOW.
-that moment at about 9am when you realise that that funny taste is a mix of cigarettes and bourbon still-bleah!
-verbal dihorrea. Now some of you know shit about me that you didn't need to and I probably was speaking so loud that the neighbours do too.
-lack of judgement-dancing will be waaay more fun with my top off, I need another drink, I need to find a smoke etc.
-I am old. After dancing around last night I am actually sore. WTF?

So I'm tired as hell, my house is a pigsty, I broke a variety of vegan commandments, I made an ass of myself and Tannah is still pissed at me for daring to leave the house.

And you know what? I had the most awesome night with my awesome friends (who know that I love them after hearing it several thousand times while being hugged around the head) and I'd do it again in a second. Happy birthday Kate and thanks for an ace night.

Dr's appointment

2006-10-13T01:33:00.000-07:00

We took Tannah to a paediatrician today to get a superdooper medical opinion about her asthma. I was ready for the hostility about her vax status, the use of homeopathy and dislike of masses of western medicine in general! I was pleasantly surprised.
She agreed that her issue is asthma :-( She never asked about vaccinations at all, when I told her that we took her off dairy cause it seemed to affect her she agreed that it was a very good idea (last GP I told scoffed at that one) and then when I told her that I was hesitant to put her on a preventer just yet she told me if it was her kid whe wouldn't either! She agreed that while she wheezes a little a lot of the time she can prob get by with a reliever on occasion-but to play it by ear next winter. She gave me a heap of info on the pros and cons of using a preventer. She then was happy that we don't use panadol and antibiotics at the drop of a hat as exposure to bugs and letting her fight them will help (duh, I know but not the general GP response!) So walked away feeling quite happy :-)

Saw my buddy today who is a chinese doctor and she told me that my iron is low and I'm stressed cause I'm overtired-which is why getting pregnant is a little hard cause my body knows it won't cope! She gave me some stuff and is gonna stick me with needles on Monday. She also told me to get more sleep (who knew I was tired lol) but she said it's no biggie, just a minor glitch on the baby radar ;-)

Cruelty Free Expo

2006-10-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

We went to this expo yesterday and it was ace! Am all inspired now to take that next step to veganism, which has been coming for a while I guess. I just can't believe that testing on animals is still practiced, really upsetting. So anyone reading this CHECK THE LABEL if it does not say "not tested on animals" then please don't buy it! The food there was amazing, there were groovy clothes and skincare etc and the animal rights campaigners were out in force-which was ace. There was everyone from Animal Liberation Victoria to Choose Cruelty Free. I joined ALV cause they do ace work (would love to free a broiler myself LOL).
A lady was making a video and asked us if Tannah was a veggo and could I be interviewed. I gave a quick speel bout how Tan and i were veggos, Luke was not but kinda forced into it at home lol, and said to anyone who said veggo kids were unhealthy to have a look at Tannah! I then made sure I dropped that she was breastfed, as should all kids her age and older should be ;-) gotta get it out there.

My purchase of the day was a new pair of sneakers-pink "No Sweat" converse lookalikes. Very cool and all fair trade etc. Along with an ALV tee shirt, a couple of badges (duckshooters are pooheads and save animals-go vegetarian) and a wristband that says vegans do it better (to remind me LOL)

Trying to live a more ethical existence. The problem is that I'm only scraping the surface......

P.S-thanks for all your replys about ttc-we will get there!!!

sigh

2006-10-07T02:47:00.000-07:00

not pregnant.
don't want to talk about it.

No news..

2006-10-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Neg test. Period MIA.
Still feel like hell.

Hmmmm

2006-10-04T05:12:00.000-07:00

Well I'm pretty confident that I'm up the duff-but am being incredibly stubborn about beliving it until Friday when AF is actually due-so no congrats yet people ;-)

But the evidence is stacking up against me....
-Sore, massive boobs. One actually leaked milk today-WTF?
-nausea. Ag, bleah etc.
-Have been a little teary (huge understatement)
-went all dizzy in the shower yesterday
-2 (yes of course I couldn't wait and tested again) preg tests that were neither here nor there-a kinda sorta super faint line that comes right on 10 mins-but blueish

I REALLY want to believe it-I do. But am too scared to fall in love again before I get a whopping blue line and am projectile vomiting. Even then maybe 12 weeks? 16? 38? I want this to all be OK.
I know that I'm pregnant on whatever level it is that you "know" but am fearful of bubba not getting cozy enough and bleeding anyway. Hang in there kiddo! Go you lush comfy lining-keep bubba safe for me :-)

Wanna know the kinda scary bit? Have had 2 twins dreams in the last 2 weeks.......

No congrats yet please. But the stickiest healthiest baby vibes you got would be ace.

Don't be smug

2006-09-26T04:24:00.000-07:00

I have been smug and feeling quite happy with myself and all the progress I've made recently. And today for no known reason I feel like crap. I know that some blogging and meditation wasn't going to fix it all but the gloom and dooms snuck up on me today. I self medicated by eating half a tin of condensed milk-apparently that only gives you a bellyache. Am feeling a little more positive tonight but was caught unaware by yucko feeling.
And poor Tannah-she isn't having a fun time with her mean Mum atm. She is waking a heap at night again and is all over me like a rash when she wakes and i'm really over it-will night time always be hard work? All patience I had at night has vanished. If we had a cot she'd be in it. I've been yelling at her to go back to sleep-how ridiculous is that? Really soothing and no surprises, doesn't work! There has been all manner of name calling, swearing, yelling and tears in the wee hours of the morning at our place. Lets not even speak of the mood in which I get out of bed at 5am. I was smug cause her sleeping had improved dramatically and it has gone back to shitsville so quick. Fuck it. I even cracked the top off the bottle of antihistamine I bought 6 months ago cause I really thought I was going to go crazy(p.s-that stuff works!) The irony is that the days have been really good of late-you can't win.

Just needed to vent :-)

Tupper-yeah!

2006-09-25T03:04:00.000-07:00

Oh crap-I sound like Kate LOL!

Might I say that the lovely Kate did a fantastic job of the party she did at my house today-I got the mega free stuff I wanted and she made truffles mmmmm. You rock sales lady, you will be driving that fancy car in no time :-) *sigh* more lovely Tupperware coming my way so look out pantry-you will be organised!

Now babymaking fest has come to an end for this month (and I'm bound to be preganat so for a while *crossing fingers and legs*) I'm in the sucky suckyness of the *cue horror movie music* two week wait. AHHH! Still have niggle that bubba will make 4 this time round so go you good fertilised egg! Make yourself nice and comfy for the next 9 months :-) Send preggo sticky vibes if you got em! Now to try and forget when I can test *taps foot impatiently*

Tag_I'm it!

2006-09-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

If you could build a house anywhere, where would it be?
On a couple of acres at Woodend

What’s your favorite article of clothing?
My pink Converse

Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex?
arms, eyes,and that part of the lower stomach that pokes out of jeans...

What’s the last CD that you bought?
Ben Lee- Awake is the New Sleep

Where’s your favorite place to be?
Curles up on the couch with a good book or the ocean

Where’s your least favorite place to be?
In the car when FIL is driving LOL

What’s your favorite place to be massaged?
my head

Strong in mind or strong in body?
A little of both

What time do you wake up in the morning?
As much as I wish it could be later it's usually about 5am ATM *yawn*

What is your favorite kitchen appliance?
My juicer

What makes you really angry?
fuckwits in general lol

If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
Your voice can be an instrument and I'd love to be able to sing

Favorite color?
pink!

Which do you prefer…sports car or SUV?
I'd like lots of kids so an SUV I guess

Do you believe in an afterlife?
yep

Favorite children’s book?
It's a toss up between "Green Eggs and Ham" or "The Biggest Bed in The World"

What is your favorite season?
Summer-no question

What is your least favorite household chore?
Putting the doona cover back on the doona! I could say ironing but I never actually do any lol

If you could have one super power, what would it be?
Make money grow on trees haha

If you have a tattoo, what is it?
I have six! A butterfly, a fairy, a flower, a row of flowers, a celtic art thingy and astro boy!

Can you juggle?
no

The one person from your past that you wish you could go back and talk to?
Prolly my 1st serious boyfriend..unresolved issues lol

What’s your favorite day?
Sunday cause Luke is home :-)

What’s in the boot of your car?
Stroller, shopping bags, cover to put on the seat when the dog gets in

Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger?
Vegiburger

I tag ummm Amanda, Jayne and Kate Y :-)

A waaay to much information post ;-)

2006-09-22T04:13:00.000-07:00

So shift work and babymaking and a toddler don't really gel-who knew LOL!

So I find myself for the second night in a row waiting up for my lovely husband to come home from work so we can "get biz-zay" *yawn* So after getting to bed at about 1am Tannah decided (of course) that she wanted-like really wanted to be fed at 4:30 am. So she fell back asleep for about 5 minutes and we were up for the day at 5-hurrah. This morning I didn't think The Wiggles were evil as they entertained Miss while I tried to go back to sleep on the couch.
But I'm keen this month and have decided we need to...well..you know...try and actually "make" the baby more often. So lucky husband is being ambushed very regularly ATM-and funnily enough I'm not hearing any complaints ;-)
Have a weird gut feeling that this is "the month" for us-so with no hope of immaculate conception will be awake for a while yet.....
Maybe I'll go find some internet porn........*yawn*

girly girly girl girl girl

2006-09-20T02:03:00.000-07:00

My little brother and his luffly girlfriend had their 20 week scan and its a girl! YAY! Apparently all is well and she is (both she's including Mumma) are doing well. My bro on the other hand is so comfortable that he's apparently put on more weight than his girl LOL. He sounds so happy and content and I can't wait to see them when we go for holidays next month :-)
My girly has decided that bedtime is for suckers again-dammit! So we are having tears and resistance at night-sometimes she slaps me when I'm cuddling her-I just looooove that grrrrr. But once she is asleep she has been sleeping pretty well, just up at 5am *yawn* Who knew that sleep would be such a major topic for someone who gets hardly any whinge whinge. Maybe when she's say....5 years old she'll sleep? Please? Apparently some kids sleep, even co-sleep, with no major dramas. Pah to them. What would their mothers talk about LOL.
Tannah has decided that she likes dressing up-too cuuuuute. She goes to the cupboard where the fairy get up is and points and says "faiweeee" and gets all excited when I put the outfit on her. I get all melty and the lack of sleep is instantly forgotten.
She has also started stringing 2 words together (brilliant of course-time for flash cards lol) If she wants some food she'll say "more cracker" or "more fruit" (kinda like "moe kah-kaaaa" or "moe fwuuu") and she thinks Steve Irwin is a croc cause everytime she sees him she points and says "kwok" -I love how their minds work.

On the me front (a little self-indulgance please) I have never felt better. Eating well and nourishing my body is no longer an effort cause I seem to like myself a whole lot more. And I want to get ahead-cause I think I deserve it. I spent a couple of days after the great baggage drop off in a funny place, all teary and I guess afraid. Since then I feel so much lighter on so many levels. I also realise that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Does it mean that I never have chips again? No-just not all day. And it's OK to buy something if we have the cash and the purchase is useful and not out of hand.

The weather is warming up, I'm surrounded by great people who I love and life is good.
Now....time to make that baby, we're ready little one!!!

Spring has sprung..

2006-09-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

Don't you just hate that saying? When I used to work in the chemist come September the oldies would all be saying it and I used to cringe (along with "say one for me" when you are kneeling on the floor cleaning shelves or something) but it's true! Spring has indeed sprung. I wore a singlet today!! And Tannah was so warm in her shorts that she got around in her nappy for a bit (lucky she had a cute cover on LOL) We went to "Earthdance" which was a heap of fun. Lots of mad hippies, families and dance musos getting together in the name of world peace (and smoking joints apparently) I know some people (my lovely husband included) are a little uncomfortable in the presence of so many "individuals" but I just love it. Prolly cause I'm one too I guess. Tannah danced and ran around and fed and fed and fed but we had a fun day.
My friend is here from QLD and is coming to spend the night with us tomorrow night. She has her youngest bubba (bout 5 months) with her and has left her other 3 kids with her partner- I'm sure he's having a blast LOL. Can't wait to see her-even cleaned floors in honour of visit.
Just lovin the warm weather and feelin fine :-)

Thw Wiggles are evil.

2006-09-14T01:40:00.000-07:00

Yes you read right. Jeff, Greg, Anthony, Murray and friends. You know who you are. You have hypnotised my precious daughter into believing that she cannot function without hearing you sing about the bloody (R.I.P) Crocodile Hunter!!!! Now I find myself humming snippets of "Kookaburra, kookaburra, kook-ka-bu-ra" AAAGGGHHHH!!! I have tried to even wean her onto another of your DVD's but there is something addictive about the Wiggly Safari one that she can't live without. There are tears if her request for the "guggls" is not honoured (and she asks about 4 times a day) so we have to watch you each morning and arvo. Damn you.
And now I want tickets to your concert I can't have lol.

Note-yes, I'm aware that it was indeed me who bought the bloody thing and put it on in the first place!

(nice light blog for a change huh?)

I cast thee out!!!

2006-09-13T03:03:00.000-07:00

I am sick of carrying stuff around. I drag a bundle of emotional baggage behind me wherever I go and I'm tired. Goodbye bundle, I let you go. To anyone who I'm still pissed/upset/hurt/angry etc at I forgive you. To anyone who has wronged me in the past and I still carry that I forgive you too and I break that tie between us. And most of all I forgive me. Shae you are officially forgiven by yourself for all the stupid, hurtful, self-abusive, nasty and downright dumb stuff you have done in the past. You are not your actions-I set you free from all guilt,shame and self punishment. From this moment forward you will accept all love, help and generosity that comes your way. You will take that tight little ball of angry that you keep in your chest and get rid of it. You will stop wallowing in the past and trying to reason and blame for all that was and will be.
Fuck off baggage, I leave you here. I don't need you anymore.

And to my 2 babies, my stars in the sky, I will stop trying to reason why and accept what is.
Know you are always loved but I set you free also.

Close my eyes and walk away.........

I'm baaa-aack!

2006-09-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

Bloody computer! Goes and breaks on me! All better now though so an update...

Had our weekend away with the inlaws which was actually quite pleasant. Sil and family too so Tannah's cousin was there and she adores him (calles him "Ra Ra-too cute!).
Have been super busy this week-lots of social outings (thanks taxi gals-you are so ace!) and stuff going on at home. Luke got a promotion on his shift YAY! More money and not as hard on his body-more bossing round haha. Tannah is FULL ON at the moment. She needs me all day and night. Back to waking every hour or so and needing cuddles etc to go back to sleep *yawn* and is crying about anything which doesn't go her way-which unfortunately is a lot. But inbetween that she is being an absolute love. Lots of spontaneous cuddles and kisses and dancing. She's really her own person-she does everything her own way in her own time and if you try and encourage her to do otherwise-look out! Have to learn to back off a bit. We were having a particularly trying afternoon the other day and I said "stop it please, you are being a shit" to which Tannah replied "shit shit shit" oh dear. Note to self-stop swearing!
Am going to Qld for a couple of weeks next month to get over the winter blues and catch up with everyone. Am getting on particualrly well with Mum atm so must take advantage!

Come on spring- I'm so ready. :-)

memo for whoever is in charge

2006-08-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

Dear head honcho , big cheese, god, goddess, universe, whatever;
Some shit stuff has been going on lately and I think it's time some people caught a break-not to tell you your job but can you cut some of us some slack? Please?

- A dear friend had some very sad news which was totally unfair and awful. Please send some sort of something nice ASAP as it is much deserved and lovely people should only ever have lovely news and lovely things happen to them.
-Tannah has asthma which has been flaring up off and on every night for the last little bit. Again WTF? I'm like the health police with my bubba! I don't want to have to do the back and forth to hospy thing but we've had a few close calls (inc last night) and I think all the breastmilk and healthy food should cancel out the family hayfever/eczema history. Please sort out.
-Sleep. I'd like some. So would Luke. I think you should send insomniac bubbas to Mummas that are nice and not horrible after little to no sleep-Tannah would sure appreciate being able to sleep better and the end of "cranky mummy". I think we've done the sleepless nights thing with this baby. Thanks.
-I have some friends who aren't getting the support they need and truly desreve at home. Please kick partners up the bum or sort them out so they can be helpful.
-just a little something nice to all the lovely friends and family that I have who are having a rough time.

Thanks oh powerful one,
Shae

P.S- can you please also end world hunger and poverty , create world peace, educate everyone on how to save the planet, make all child raising myths disappear and bring back communities, make equality of the sexes and races the norm and srtike Tizzy Hall with lightning...
c'mon people now, smile on your brother , everybody get together, try to love one another right now.......not to much to ask is is? :-)

manky eyes and family days

2006-08-27T04:18:00.000-07:00

Tannah's eyes are still a little manky (not sure thats the correct term!) conjunctivitis is a shit in kids cause they won't stop rubbing their eyes! So it nearly gets better and then rub rub and back to square one. Am managing to get measly amounts of bm into them (with Tannah trying to help oh lordy) but surrendered and went and got drops-which kinda cleared them up for a bit but managed to burn all the skin around her eyes-great. She also sounded like she was on the verge of being sick again so i went and got some vit C powder which has kept the nasties at bay but has given her nappy rash. So she has red eyes and a red bum and a bit of a cough. Poor love! She is surprisingly well natured about it all so thinking "milestone month" is finally coming to an end-yay.
It's amazing how quickly she went from tottering round to out and out walking! And her vocab is growing daily-she seems to have had some big mental leap recently cause she is understanding a heap more and figuring things out. I'm really enjoying her at the moment.
We had a family day today. Lunch at my new fave restaurant "Lentil As Anything" in St Kilda. A scrummy vego joint with a "pay as you feel" philophisy. Then a wander round the market-yes Tannah got out of the Ergo and wandered too :-) Got over my muffin top phobia and wore my bubba on my back-loved it! Then off to the museum for a bit. Again lots of walking and one very tired baby who was asleep before we drove past the city. So nice to spend the day together and not have to worry about work and other stuff. Luke is so great to let me boss him round on his days off lol.

*contented sigh* off to bed cause Tannah thinks 5am is the new 7am ;-)

crap crap crap crap

2006-08-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Well I guess it was bound to happen eventually- I smacked Tannah. Just a little one on the bum but for all the wrong reasons and of course i instantly regretted it.And it was over fucking SHOES. She has done that amzing toddler thing of figuring all the buttons to push to make me insane and mad. So we had a bad nights sleep (she didn't wanna basically) and then up at 5am-not a good start but I'm trying yk? Throws all breakfast off the highchair and demands "boo" instead-great, taking deep breaths. Has started this face grabbing/slapping thing when I'm feeding her so I grab her had and firmly tell her "not O.K-that hurts Mumma" she fn laughed. I did not. I put her off the boob and back on the ground. Hysteria. So I put her back on and she tried to bite me. Far from cool so off again and more tears. Big real ones. By this stage I'm kinda over it so I go about my brekky, which of course Tannah wants all of. I'm changing Tannah out of her PJ's and she is kicking and being generally difficult and it gets down to shoes. Tannah has new shoes. Big girl ones. A pair of real Converse and it's the first time she'll be wearing them but she is kicking me and thinking it's hilarious as I'm trying to put them on. One big kick that got me actually hurt so I told her to stop and I smacked her. I was angry and she had hurt me so I hurt her back. And of course she cried and I felt like shit. So I apologised and we had a cuddle.

The shoes looked cute in the end.

Ahhh sunshine

2006-08-21T02:32:00.000-07:00

I love sunshine. I love days when you don't have to wear a jumper. I love clean washing off the line. I love spring.

Feeling happy today. My floors are clean, my headache has gone, my first assignment is done.

Was vacuuming and suddenly realised that I'm happy. If I can get around dross from the past (I'm workin on it I am!) then I have the life I always wanted (massive debt aside). I have a GREAT husband who I love very much and an amazing daughter who is my world. I am a stay at home mum ( my dream job lol) who has an awesome circle of friends and much lovely family. I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin and lose some baggage and I'm seeing how great life is. Hope the feeling lasts....

words to live by

2006-08-17T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm reading The Dalai Lama's book "The Art Of Happiness" it has been sitting on my shelf unopened for some time. It is a great read (actually it's a nice positive balance cause am also reading "The Politics Of Breastfeeding" and it is a hard read cause there is some fucked up shit going on there....) One particular sentence jumped out at me and I think it's an apt mantra for me at the moment (or forever lol)
WILL IT BRING YOU HAPPINESS OR WILL IT BRING YOU PLEASURE?
Cause lots of the stuff I do brings me lots of pleasure, new stuff? Love it! Family block of chocolate? Gimme more! But has it made me happy? Well no, in fact in lots of cases it has made me feel worse. The book points out that while using cocaine is very pleasurable its not necessarily the best thing for you-and it won't make you happy in the long run.
I like a lot of the baisics of Buddhism. I especially like that YOU are responsible for your actions and outcomes and don't have to answer to a higher power, just yourself. And they acknowledge that yeah-there is suffering, but you can make a difference. Not that I'm diciplined enough to follow any religion!
But for now happiness or pleasure? I know which I'd prefer.

Bleah

2006-08-15T22:50:00.000-07:00

So 2 days and no rubbish food and homeopathic detox drops....headache anyone?

going with the flow

2006-08-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

In the way of babies that is. Think we are just gonna see what happens instead of charting etc. I wasn't enjoying it much, kinda like the element of surprise! So while contraception is still off the menu we'll just let nature do it's thing and see where it takes us. Noy sure that we are ready for number two just yet with Tannah back to being up a lot at night and quite needy, but I suppose there is no perfect time so we'll see.
Have started being healthy and showing my body a bit of love :-) I'm gonna lose 10kg (baby permitting) and stop abusing myself with food. It sucks that I'm always doing something destructive and my two weapons of choice at the moment is lots of junky food and spending. Want to turn it around and save where I have spent and look after myself where I haven't been so nice. Thank god I'm breastfeeding or otherwise it'd be smokes and booze for sure! Don't think I realised how much of an affect my miscarriage has had-but I haven't been so nice to myself since then thats for sure. So on the healing path again......

walking!

2006-08-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

Tannah is walking! And not a moment too soon (my little bubba is heavy!) she is quite pleased with herself and I am quite pleased that when dickheads say" is she walking YET?!" I can say yes, bugger off haha. I thought it would help her recent frustration at , well, everything lately but apparently not. Hmmm it seems to be getting worse! I blame the older kids at playgroup , of course. It has nothing to do with her age, or her nasty molars, or that her perspective has changed since walking, or even that she is my daughter and heredity is a possiblity! So my little cranky-bum is flexing her 2 year old muscles and showing me her new found skills. "look mum-I'm throwing a wobbly!" or "check out how far I can arch my back and kick you when you try to cuddle me when I'm mad!" followed closely by"but I waaaant thaaat waaaaaaaaaaaa" *sigh* trying not to drop and scream too lol.
I'm not pregnant.....and maybe for the time being it's not such a bad thing ;-)

All things official

2006-08-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm officially a trainee with the ABA-hooray! Even went to my first training meeting on Monday. I come from a giving advice backround so to make the switch to offering suggestions will probably be challenging-and I'm not looking forward to my first-"my baby is 3 weeks old and I'm gonna wean him" call! I'm sure the good will outweigh the bad. I'm getting quite involved in the local group too. I'm the bulletin editor and the librarian (I know-sucker!) so its all systems boob here atm ha ha. I'm also reading "The Politics Of Breastfeeding" whoa man! Do not read unless you want your head done in with all the bullshit surrounding how we feed our children.
Also officially trying to concieve. Not liking it much! I want another surprise so I don't have to deal with the dreaded *cue scary music* two week wait. I want I want I want another baby! As much as I try to be cool about it ;-) I'm not loving the analysing of every little sign that could be a baby...Can't you just know immediately!
And officially looking after myself again. More exercise and yoga, better food and time out to meditate. Feel the love.

Tag...I'm it

2006-08-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

Kate has tagged me (and I had to ask what it meant...computer newbie!) so here goes

One book that changed your life:
Gawd, there are heaps for different reasons....
"the Alchemist" by Paul Coelho made me look at life a whole different way

One book that you've read more than once:
Heaps here too! Probably "The Stand" by Stephen King-I've read that one about 50 times I reckon!

One book you'd want on a desert island:
Ummm some inspirational tale of survival? Like Stuart Divers book or something!

One book that made you laugh:
Dennis Leary's "No Cure For Cancer" an absolute pisser, had me laughing out loud

One book that made you cry:
"The Lovely Bones" by Alice Seabold *sob* and "Parenting For a Peaceful World" by Robin Grille (oops thats 2)

One book that you wish had been written:
" How to Check Emotional Baggage!"

7. One book you wish had never been written:
Tizzie Hall's new one boooooooo

One book you're currently reading:
"Mothering your nursing Toddler" where is the bit on teeth?

One book you've been meaning to read:
That "Children of the Lucky Country" looks interesting...

Now I'm supposed to "tag" 4 people.
I'm new to all this! Ummmm Sif, Jayne, Belinda, Amanda...not sure if you guys read my blog tho...

World breastfeeding week :-)

2006-08-02T05:14:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd share a bit on my breastfeeding experience thus far-

I wanted to breastfeed-I was actually more terrified of that than birth to be honest. You are in labour for a while but learning to feed can take WEEKS *help* I myself was never breastfed and my Mum is a bit "icky" about it (or was until she saw me with a babe at the boob for the past 15 months hehe) so didn't quite know where to go for advice. Thank god for the ABA!!! I used and abused the helpline in those early weeks. We had all kinds of problems. Tannahs horrid birth left her with a huge open wound on the side of her head from the vaccuum (grrr) so I couldn't hold her properly and she wanted to suck a lot and hard to help her head, I've got wee little flat nipples (TMI I know!) and she had a little mouth. So I used to have to stuff around with attachment (or OUCH!) and a pillow and she was a chronic comfort sucker (still is) so I felt like I was always feeding her. So I went to a clinic and a lovely LC told me (in a very strong accent)
"Ah girl-you do nothing wrong. Look at what she do to your NIPPLE. I never seen anything like it, she suck you so HARD. Girl no wonder it hurt you-you have toughest nipples ever soon and you be OK"
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!
And then, as promised, all of a sudden it worked! I just popped her on and all was fine. Then I started to looove sitting and feeding her (or lying in bed as the case may be) And I started to think-my goal is one year and it doesn't seem that far away! This was about the same time that AP info found it's way into my life and I changed to 2 years as a goal. Now it's whenever we are ready.
We are now at the teeth challenge (yeah-owwww) but after her recent bout of ilness and not having anything but I know we'll get through that one too. It was such a relief to have my milk when she wouldn't eat and to calm her in the hospy and know it makes her feel better as well as nourish her (as much of a strain as it put on me!!) I still love Tannah's before nap feed. It's a big one and she is all cuddly and sleepy and almost always falls asleep in my lap all milky and sweet. I still love feeding her in the bath. I love that she calls them her "boos" actually she pointed at them and said "bubba boos" the other day-I think she thinks they are hers! I just love that we got there-cause there were those "thats it! formula for you!" moments for us. And in my recent spate of struggling with it all it's nice to get in touch with the most special parts of breastfeeding my child.

I'm also officially a trainee counsellor for the ABA! Yay for me! Hoping that I can be of use to other Mums and to help make HUMAN MILK FOR HUMAN BABIES the norm.

Go you lactating goddesses!!

Baby dream

2006-07-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

a note before I start- I'm reading "The Red Tent"
I had the most amazing dream last night. Tannah has been unwell and I've been feeling drained to say the least so I have been questioning my desire for another baby. But my dream makes me feel more ready (if I can concieve at all ATM with all the extra feeds)
I was in labour, I looked at my ripe, naked body in a mirror and felt ready to birth my baby. There were women attending me-no faces, but a real feminine energy and I felt safe while I laboured. Then I was looking down at myself and I was panicking saying I couldn't do it and I was scared. I thought- I'm in transition! Someone help me! The women soothed away my fears and I was soon back in my body and back in control. I told them I had to go empty my bowels and bladder then I would be ready to push. I went to the toilet and as i was finishing I put my hand down and felt my baby's head bulging. Tannah was there and said-bubba soon Mumma? I nodded. I walked back out and was crying cause I knew I was going to do this-no instruments (Tannah was a vaccuum delivery) The women held my arms and supported me while I squatted-I kept my hand on my baby's head the whole time and I birthed my baby into my hands. I was helped down to a bean bag and the women left me alone with my son. I put him to my breast and was cuddling Tannah at the same time.
I woke feeling fantastic (no sore vagina or anything )Just had to share.....

Supermum...

2006-07-28T03:19:00.000-07:00

After having a very emotionally taxing week I had the most awesome day today. It probably helped that the sun was shining all day. Gotta love that sun :-)
Trying to not resist feeding Tannah cause it brings no one any joy, so we started the day with a few feeds, whenever she asked I obliged, instead of me trying to fob her off while I wake up. I know you will be shocked to hear that the morning ran smooth as (note sarcasm) and we were both being friendly to each other-a good start. Woke husband and left Tannah with him while I took the dog for a massive walk (yes exercise without a pram...) returned feeling great. Luke went and helped his Dad so I put Tannah in the ergo and hung washing out-yeah OUTSIDE hurrah! (have stange fetish with line dried washing) Gave T her morning tea and vaccuumed while she ate. Put T down for a sleep and folded a heap of washing I have been ignoring and cooked lunch AND dinner (both healthy and delicious) Luke returned and we all ate together awwww. Laura and her boys came over and we went to the park-kids loved it. Came back for a cuppa and chat then left. Normal dinner, bath, boob, bed. More housework (man my house looks good!) and I'm on the computer with nothing in the back of my mind to do.

Will come back and visit this post when life is not so organised(like 90percent of the time LOL) and remember today fondly.....

Has been ace to have some adult company this week with visits from Kate and Laura (and of course their kids!) good to chat to someone who is able to talk back! Love that Tannah gets heaps of time with other kids too. Drop in anytime gals.

Well off to relive perfect day, may wait up and have a bit of nookie with the husband then will be perfect wife ROFL!!!

the funnest weekend ever.....

2006-07-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

So Adelaide was a flop. We got there Sat morning, flight on time, hire car ready, inlaws in good spirits, accomodation lovely, reunion a blast and then I notice that Tannah is looking sick. The cough is still hanging around but now she actually looks unwell. So I take her back to our hotel for a nap and I notice that she's kinda breathing funny but she wakes in good spirits so we head out to dinner and things go bad very quick. For starters she won't eat (ummm this NEVER happens) and wants to sit on me and then I notice that she's kinda panting and falling asleep. Not good. So I call the local hospital and we head off. On the way T is talking and happy and I'm feeling a little stupid, expecting to be sent home with some panadol. Cause it's a little country hospy we are seen straight away and her oxygen is very low and she's struggling to breathe now so some drugs and oxygen for T and we have to stay the night.
As stupid as it is I'm feeling bad. Inlaws have gone out of their way to make the weekend easy and have paid for most of it. No ones fault I know but I feel bad just the same.
Glad we stayed, T was gasping for air a few times-very scary and we couldn't get the nose piece in for oxygen cause she just screamed-and I had to try hold her down. YUCK. Poor kid puts all her trust in me and I'm restraining her while they are hurting her and frightening her. I hate it sometimes that she's too young to understand. So in the end she slept with the oxygen near her face. The hospy were great. Found us a fold out couch in a private room so we could sleep together and were super supportive of breastfeeding-which was good cause that's all she wants to do!!! So we are discharged the next day, T has improved but still v clingy and sad. Bubba is sore from all the coughing and every cough jag makes her cry, which just about makes me cry at times! But no flying! Faaarrrk! We have to hire a car and drive home the next day.
Next day it takes 11 hours and what seems like a "boo" stop on every corner-I've fed Tannah in all kinds of roadhouses. It's like a public awareness of feeding in public tour or something. We had to buy a CD cause there is no radio for the most part (note-now I HATE Blink182) Tannah won't eat food but is hungry-even tried McDonalds for the 1st time-she wouldn't even eat that! (must admit felt glee at that) We get back to Melbourne and Luke drops me at Lovely Leahs for a bit so he can swap cars at the airport-but leaves the car keys in my bag! So Leah takes us to the airport and we finally go home. HOME I love that word.
I missed my bed, I missed my Dog, I missed my friends-it felt like we were gone for a month and it was only 3 fricken days!

So Tannah is feeling heaps better, still wheezy but that'll take a while apparently. Just tired, bored and hungry-so grumpy in a word! Is feeding constantly which is doing my head in but I'm glad she has the option. I'm just glad my bubba is on the mend-I hate seeing her sore and sick and struggling to breathe-scary and upsetting.
As for me...I'm tired tired tired! Feel about 70 hours behind in the sleep department and drained from all the feeding but it will all be fine I'm sure *whine whine* I'm so tired I'm over the whole baby thing. If it happened I'd be glad but I don't give a shit what my cervical mucus looks like and sex is not on my list of priorities, actually if I ovulate with all this extra feeding it will be a miracle!

poor bubba...

2006-07-20T03:01:00.000-07:00

Tannah is sick-my poor little muffin has had weeks of sleeping hell (not to mention her Mumma!) she is teething in a big way and on the verge of walking-milestones always bring out her "inner whine".... and now she has a nasty cough with a low grade fever and last night she threw up all over me while I was cuddling her-noice. Luke, of course was at work, so I had to undress both of us in the cold without upsetting her too much. Not fun. Her sleep was so bad 2 nights running that I was awake for 26 hours straight without sleep. Her coughing kept me awake but she just sort of dozed through it. Feel refreshed after the 3 hours I got last night haha.
At least the constant whine has stopped, I know that sounds awful but it is on some sort of frequency I'm sure that makes me crazy. She just wants cuddles and boob now and I can happily oblige.
Decided to try to enjoy the time that she needs me, cause the constant clingyness and whining of the past few weeks has been doing my head in! I find it a little overwhelming when she REALLY needs me, which is not fair on her, but I try my best to give her as much as I can while reminding myself why she is unhappy. But to try and change my attitude toward her neediness has really made a difference(which is a bonus cause I could have seriously left her with the NWers at the play centre and gone to the pub) I try to embrace her attachment and need for my comfort and it turns my attitude round every time (but I'd still sell my soul for a good nights sleep for the whole family at present!) Patience is a virtue I don't really possess!

comfortable ahhhh

2006-07-18T04:11:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how those hormones swing to and fro! Feelin' fine today and thinking about where I am as a parent.
Have been having a few discussions of late re homebirth, vaccination, homeschooling, gentle dicipline etc mainly with "outsiders" (hehe) to AP and am finding myself feeling really comfortable with our decisions. I don't find I have that need to give a detailed explination as to why anymore to defend myself. I think a lot of it is because I am confident in the way we are raising Tannah and am finding that awful self doubt of "are we doing the right thing?" is fading. I know that spending time with like minded souls and seeing their great kids has helped me feel "normal" (whatever that is haha) rather than being the only one and wondering if I was doing it right. There is so much pressure for kids to fit the good kid/bad kid mould.
"is she a good baby?" WTF is that?? She is great! But does she ever drive me nuts? Of course she does. Pinky Mckay said they are "real" babies-I like that. Cause that's what she is REAL-
she's- awesome, feral, cuddly, gorgeous, determind, fragile, loving, funny, mad, whiney, deep, social, confident etc etc she is all that and more. But is she "good" or "naughty" hmmmmm

But I just love doing what feels right when it comes to parenting and feeling confident-finally!!
And funnily enough now i feel O.K , Tannah has chilled out heaps too. Amazing....

D'oh! more sex!

2006-07-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

AF arrived today. Kinda glad I guess in a weird way. At least I know where day one is you know? Luke also has abnormal obsession with no bubbas too close to Tannahs birthday! Think I might have a month off and detox or something.... maybe....

Busy busy busy!

2006-07-16T05:12:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a weekend! After ages of what seems like no real social life at all we had a heap on this weekend. Hell, I even wore MAKE UP (remember Mummas, from before kids).
Had fantastic communal dinner on friday night with the westie chicks (sorry ladies, but thats who you are in our house) we didn't spend the time looking at our vaginas in mirrors, much to our husband's dismay, but just general chatting, eating and letting the kids do their thing. Feel so very at home and myself in this group (and they all have cars-bonus!) Saturday we braved Highpoint to but a pressie for a christening, Sat arvo off to the 1st birthday party of my lovely nephew-much fun and food. Tannah used to be the crappest sleeper (man thats good english) so she was always the "bad" one-grrr I know, now her cousin is just a very busy little man and now he is the "bad" one. It shits me to tears and I know how SIL feels cause that was me not long ago with the bad kid!
This morning off to a christening-lucky they are great friends cause church isn't really my thing. Tannah wanted a boob during the service so I obliged, then we had to stand for a hymn! So I'm standing up holding a toddler who is attached to my nipple. Then she pulled off when we sat down, biting me as she came off. So I hissed "jeesuuss!" oops forgot where I was and felt very sheepish. I don't have anything againt church, but like I sid, not my thing. Couldn't wait to get out of there. Then the after thing. FFS if one more person asked if she ws a "good" baby I was going to scream. I'm so very over the good/bad baby rubbish.
Then tonight off to the inlaws for tea which was lovely. Still loving them and our relationship. We vary greatly in our parenting ideas but they seem to respect our choices now so you have to love that!

On the baby front. No AF, if I hadn't have miscarried I would be due now. Still showing high oestrogen every day on the ovulation microscope (have done for a week now) and yesterday I had a bit of spotting that has now gone-no cramping. Sounds suspicious but no idea what my hormones and body are doing after losing our bubba. If it was in fact implantation that was happening I guess I could test in a week.......Watch this space.

unload!!!

2006-07-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

O.K time to unload.....
Have heaps going on in my head at present, a midwife wants me to get my hospital record so I can debreif and as usual I'm scare that it's all in my head. Have always been told that I'm a drama queen so I guess to an extent I live up to that expectation but it also make me question my emotions and response to situations. Like-what if my birth wasn't that bad? What if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? Dramatising it all?
I do this with lots of things. Event, emotion and response, paranoia that am dramatising. Grrrrr makes me feel stupid and ashamed a lot, like everyone is rolling their eyes at me-drama queen.
And Shame, my old buddy seems to be hanging round lots too. I used to drink, a lot. So I did stupid things, a lot. Sometimes a memory will pop into my head and it feels like the next day when the booze wore off and reality set in. I get all embarassed and ashamed for stuff that happened years ago. I'm not even that person anymore! I was a cheat, a slut, a liar, a borderline alcoholic. I was that person at a party who would be so drunk that I'd get in a fight with my boyfriend, do a strip tease on the table, spew all over the lawn and make a genaral ass of myself all night. Wake up the next day and have to be told what had happened. I would be constantly avoiding people until the stories of my last efforts were forgotten. I still feel awkward round some people. Like I said before though-I'm not her anymore, but I'm ashamed of her- you know?
I don't want to be the "life of the party" anymore or a drama queen, or even the centre of attention. I don't want to live up to that expectation of me. I want to accept my feelings about things as genuine and not question what others might think of my reaction.
I just want to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend. Someone who thinks global and acts local. Just a woman without baggage. There is a line in a Buffalo Tom song that has always appealed to me "She cut herself off from her past, now she's alone at last" *sigh*

On the baby front my hormones have gone completely nuts or I'm pregnant-could be either though, we'll see.

PLAY!!!! sleep ~~~

2006-07-07T05:09:00.000-07:00

Had such a fun day with Laura, Elijah and Kaeden and were joined later by Kate, Zoe and Izzy. Tannah loves the big kids and no matter that she gets in their road she keeps going back for more. Look out older playgroup kids! I think you are going to have a shadow very shortly! The joy of busy kids is sleepy kids at bedtime- T took bout 3 seconds to fall asleep once in the hammock, suspect she was nearly asleep on the boob. Not a peep since. Another big day tomorrow so hoping for another easy bedtime hurrah!

Note to self: must stop reading pregnancy thread instead should poke myself in the eye with pointy stick. Much friendlier. *sigh*

O.K deep breath time to behave....

2006-07-06T02:43:00.000-07:00

Time to stop eating so much crap and lolling round the house ignoring my poor dog (she's all "walk me walk me") and start looking after myself again. When Tannah 1st started solids I claened out all the stuff I didn't want her to eat so I wouldn't be a hypocrite and I felt so good and lost a little weight (amazing-who knew that healthy eating could do that-don't miss the sarcasm) and the junk has crept back in in little ways. But these last few weeks I could have made an appearance on "You Are What You Eat" and I'm feeling pretty rubbish too (again -amazing...) So I filled the pantry with goodies of the healthy variety and tomorrow it starts.....
Show myself a bit of love! My body is a temple and all that. Ommmmm

Tannah's latest trick is to say "nuh" which means nose (of course!) and ram her index finger up her nostril as far as it can go and then say "nuh" again and try ram her finger up my nostril. She seems to think it's a fun game, but it doesn't bring me much joy!

New midwife

2006-07-05T03:04:00.000-07:00

Spoke to another midwife today who was just looovely! Very down to earth and to the point, which I love. Was speaking about Tannah's birth and she asked whether I had my hospy records, I said no so she told me to get them and we'd have a debrief. She asked whether we were going to wait a cycle before we started ttc again. I said I wasn't sure. "sounds like a no to me" was her reply. Love it! Will speak to her partner cause she will be my midwife (other is moving across town) so hoping she is as good.

I finally folded my washing......

Should I? Shouldn't I?

2006-07-04T04:02:00.000-07:00

I think I need to talk to (well email) my ex. He and I were together for nearly 4 years and he is the Dad of the 1st baby I lost. Losing this little one has brought a lot of stuff up that I have been ignoring for ages about my 1st miscarriage and I have questions and things to say. But We have been apart for 6 years! I'm married with a child and he is overseas. We are still friendly when we bump into each other (he is mates with my cousin) and it didn't end badly but can you just do that? Contact someone out of the blue and reopen old wounds? What if he is quite happy to never broach the subject again, or worse, has forgotten altogether? Should I just shelve this again? Bleah I hate this stuff. I'm falling back into that old habit of "punishing" myself. Have eaten soooo much shit, not walking the dog, not meditating, going to bed really late. Hell, I even ate meat a few times in the last week which always makes me feel like crap. If I didn't have Tannah I'd be down at the pub, bourbon in 1 hand, cigarette in the other. Grrrrr. Stupid vices.

So I have to start looking after myself if I seriously want this baby or it will be one crappy pregnancy and all the good I've done in the last few months will all come undone.

O.K enough whingeing- Tannah walked!!! A couple of little shuffle steps but she did it! *bursts with pride* She is bcoming quite the little toddler, finding her voice and letting me know what she thinks about things. She is starting to let other kids know when she doesn't like what is happening (so I hate it when the other parent steps in-ffs let them have a go at sorting it out!)
and playing games with me. She loves to make me laugh so is trying to be funny a lot, and I can see those other people she is attached to is growing (not just me anymore*sob*). She adores her Daddy and feels so safe with him (he is just missing "boos") but she also loves her Pa and Auntie. The kids she seems to seek out the most are her cousin and Jack. My little bubba is growng up.

Tell me why I don't like Sundays

2006-07-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

Sundays suck. Luke works and he takes our car so I'm without transport cause the bus doesn't run out here on a Sunday. I have no one to play with cause it's normally family day for everyone else. There is always car racing on the telly or today there was Miss America (what happy pills are those ladies on?) . So we normally go for a mega walk but the rain made it a little hard (I'm a total cold weather sook) so we stayed inside, cranked the heater and played with ALL Tannahs toys. Not so bad really.
Had a chat to Leah-she should be a counsellor of some description she's such an ace listener (a skill I'd like to be better at) and was discussing the midwife situation (along with life in general and a bit of bitching to make it interesting!). I'm gonna call another tomorrow and see if I like her. I'm going to have this baby! I'm actually a little thrown by the other midwifes "psycic prediction" that I won't have a stable pregnancy til December. Whether her call is right or wrong is beside the point-my confidence was shaky anyway and this has made it worse. I've been doing some affermations "I trust my body to concieve, carry to term and birth my baby without any problem" Trust trust trust-I think that's the issue at hand.
O.K-lets have a happy topic now. I'm loving my relationship with my inlaws at the moment (yes I said INLAWS). It used to be, well, a little strained but it's just lovely at thr moment. As long as they stop making smacking references it will be fantastic!
This blog thing is fun! Will try to keep up the regular posts for those interested (or just to get it out of my head!) Hope you all had a nice lazy Sunday :-)

Hanging Rock

2006-07-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

So we went up to Hanging Rock to let the little one go. It was wet and freezing but we went anyway. We waited in the cafe for it to stop raining then we climbed to the top. Luke had Tannah in the ergo and I had some flowers and a poem. Tannah was having the best time squealing and leaning back as far as she could go, I'm surprised she could move at all with all her winter gear on! It made me so thankful for her- she's the best! We got to the top and I was glad the weather was so bad cause we were the only ones up there, we left the flowers, read the poem, had a little cry and left feeling a bit better bout the whole thing. We'll have another soon I know.
On a lighter note Tannah is so very close to walking! I get the feeling life is about to become a little more interesting! What is not so fun is learning (again) the art of attachment now she has teeth!!!

community...

2006-06-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm loving the idea of a "community"-yk a whole group of us living on a massive block of land, sharing the work and cash. Growing our own vegies and looking after each others kids. Birthing our own bubbas-feel the love. I have really been craving that sense of "belonging" to a larger group for years- imagine the fantstic suopport of living together and sharing the load! I'm reading "Spiritual Midwifery" which is set on "The Farm", a community in the U.S and I'm loving it! Also loving the 70's hippy terms in which the mummas share their birth stories! Was fortunate enough to have a chance meeting with the author of the book, Ina May Gaskin at a homebirth support thingy. Sarah J Buckley was there too (another fave) so cannot sulk now that I couldn't go to the homebirth conference cause I got to see who I wanted for free!!! Wanted to pick Ina May's brain about the logistics of a community......
Tannah has decided her new rise and shine time is 5am- bugger I love staying in bed til as late as possible and cause our heater (stupid thing!) isn't working (again) the house is bloody cold! But if thats all I have to complain about I'm feeling very lucky.
Will let you know how the farewll goes, here's a poem i found

A kiss never kissed,
A dream never wished,
An embrace never felt,
A beauty never beheld.
A tear never cried,
A life never tried,
A love never shown,
A child never known.

Am actually having a massive case of the green eyed monster for a cretain person who shall remain nameless-will have to call on my acting skills on Tues..... Not that I'm not happy for her but... Why can't I be happy for me too? *sigh*

Blog virgin...

2006-06-30T02:46:00.000-07:00

Be gentle, it's my first time!
Thought I'd better get in on this blogging business (the NW ers will make me a computer geek yet!) Hey, it sounds like free therapy!
We're going up to Hanging Rock tomorrow to leave some flowers and say a poem for the much wanted bubba we just lost. It is a special place for us cause it's the first landmark Luke took me to when I moved to Vic and it's so beautiful and close to nature. I love it up there (although it will be freakin cold!!). The support I've had has been ace (ladies, you know who you are and I love you for it) but this will be a little closure or some other therapists term.
The good news is Tannah went to bed after about 1 minute of trying cause the poor mite was knackered, bless her. But for how long......